Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Dear Juliass...

I'm happy that you've finally dropped the cANCer and started your own party. This might give the ANC some much needed competition and would mean that they can't just push everything through parliament.

There's just a few things that I would like to bring to your attention as I assume that mathematics and history are not your strong points (neither was woodwork, apparently).


Now we all know that Che was one cool motherfucker. Hell, I had a T-shirt with his face on. My friend still has a poster of him in his house.

On a visit to Perth in 2006, I waited for a friend of mine at the University of Notre Dame in Fremantle and picked up the Uni newspaper. I found a very interesting article in the newspaper. Some student decided that he would do a survey. He asked every person in Perth he encountered who wore a Che Guevara T-shirt who Che was and where he came from. Something like 90% of the people couldn't tell him.

I personally wore a Che T-shirt because Rage Against the Machine made it famous. So, yeah, if the guy asked me who Che was, I wouldn't have been able to tell him. I knew he had something to do with Cuba. But I certainly didn't know that he came from Argentina and that he was a qualified medical doctor.

I wonder if you know?

I do like your new style, though. You look the shit. And the berets, well, you've got something going there. I wonder if you have a hand in the pie of the company who sells them?

I assume that you know that Che Guevara was executed and had his hands amputated and sent to Argentina to verify his fingerprints. His watch was also taken.

Just make sure you keep your Breitling in a secure place.

Later in my life, when I came to the realization that although Rage Against the Machine made awesome music, Marxism doesn't work and has been a failure everywhere, I bought a different T-shirt, which makes more sense. It looks like this:

Now, with your limited intelligence, I don't know if you'll understand what the picture is trying to convey, so I'll explain it to you.

You see the 'R' of Revolution and the 'Star' on the beret are both red?

If you take the red out of the picture, you'll notice that the picture now only has a monkey with a beret and the word: Evolution under it.

Basically, if you give a monkey a badge, they'll try to start a revolution.

It is also a part of Evolution for monkeys to start Revolutions. Capicé?

It's awesome that you would like to help your fellow uneducated and underprivileged black brothers in South Africa to gain economic freedom. I just think that you need to make a few adjustments to your plans and I have done a few calculations to help you, seeing as your math skills are obviously a bit lacking:

Commercial Agriculture:

South Africa's staple food is pap. Pap is made from maize, or mielies as we know them. I'm sure your supporters all eat Pap. I don't know about you, because you've always seemed to be rolling in money, so maybe you eat out most of the time.

Mielies are grown on fertile, agricultural land by commercial farmers. In South Africa, most of these farmers are white. You don't like the fact that they are white - you've said it quite a few times.

I don't know if you've noticed that, after all the propaganda on SABC news, they usually show commodity prices. This includes the price of mielies per ton. Now, dear Julius, a ton of mielies is a fuckload of mielies. It won't fit in your Range Rover.

At the moment, the price of mielies is around R2300 per ton. That may seem like a lot of money, but you have to remember that you need to buy the seed, you have to pay workers, you have to pay diesel and interest on your loans, accountants, vehicles, tractors and.... tax.

So, let's say for argument's sake that you can produce a ton of mielies for R1150 (I'm sure it's way more than that, but let's keep it simple for you). So, your profit will be?
R1150, that's right, Juliass.

Now, South Africa has a total area of 1221037 km2. It sounds like a lot, doesn't it? But Juliass, you have to remember that most of South Africa is semi-desert. I don't know if you've heard of the Karoo or the Kalahari, but basically if a place is semi-desert, you can't grow plants there.

12% of South Africa's land is arable (this means that you can grow shit on it). So, all in all, only 146524 km2 of South Africa can be used to grow crops. This translates to 14652444 hectares. Now, a hectare is 100m X 100m.

Juliass, you say that you want to divide all the land between all the people of South Africa. So, I guess it includes whites, coloureds and indians as well. We have a population of 36 670 471 people above the age of 15.

So Juliass, if we divide the arable (remember what that means?) land between these people, each person will have 0.004km2 of land. That is 0.4 hectares per person. This is 4000m2 per person. About 64m X 64m.

So, now that everybody in South Africa has a piece of land, we still need to eat our pap. So we still need mielies. But that's no problem, is it Juliass?

You see, the average yield per hectare of irrigated (that's when you give the plants water) land is 8.6 tons of mielies. This is if you use the soil properly and let pieces of it stand for a year or two, put fertilizer in the soil etc. So, you have to know what you're doing. You also need to buy proper seeds. You can't just use the seeds from your last mielie batch. But I'm sure you'll educate everybody who gets land on these trivial matters, right?

So, if you get 8.6 tons per hectare on your 0.4 hectare piece of land, you'll get 3.44 tons of mielies per year. Remember we worked out how much profit you make on a ton of mielies, Juliass? It's R1150.

So now every person gets a total of R3956 PER YEAR from their patch of land. This is if they didn't sit under a tree drinking the whole year and put effort into their crops.

This works out at a profit of R329 per month. But remember, Juliass, you also won't get the money every week, like the white boss used to pay you. You'll have to borrow the money at the beginning of the year and then pay off the debt plus interest until you receive your R3956 at the end of the year.

It sounds great, this having land thing, ne?

Blatant Racism:

I don't know it you know about it, Juliass, but your EFFIE members had a banner at your party's launch which says: "A revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate."

Maybe you should have a chat with these guys, because this doesn't seem like a good message to be sending out to the population and the rest of the world.

Apparently there were also posters that read: "Honeymoon is over for white people in South Africa" and "we need to kill them like they killed us".

You also ended your speech by singing: "Kill the Boer", which I think isn't a very good idea.

You see, Juliass, the world is watching us. And South Africa needs foreign investors to grow our economy. They don't like investing in countries where people with political clout openly call for the genocide of a minority.

The other thing I'd like to talk to you about (and I'll do that in the next lesson, because I know you have problems paying attention in class) is international rating agencies.

You see, contrary to popular belief, the tax that SARS collects every year pays off loans (installments - like you pay for your cell phone). The loans have interest. And the interest is calculated on the basis of the risk that the people who give us the money think we have of not paying back the money.

Your brothers at Marikana managed to get all the rating agencies to downgrade South Africa when they smeared themselves with muti that made them invincible and charged the police with machetes and spears.

If I were you I'd have a nice little chat with them and try and explain to them that if they do something like that again, we'll be downgraded even further and they'll end up paying more for their KFC and pap.

Kind Regards,
A concerned potential EFF voter


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